a mother's prayer

These are my mom's words that she wanted posted.  I just typed'em for her.

August 27, 2010
     It is my birthday today and I'm sitting next to my beautiful boy's bedside at MD Anderson.  He has just had a tonsillectomy, and we are praying they aren't malignant.  Please God, please God.  When I first walked in and saw him he looked so pale and still - my heart lurched - oh God please let him be OK - the fear of losing him is so overwhelming at times, I just want to lay down and die.  And if only I could give my life for him I would of course.  It doesn't work that way.  I need to be here for him.  I need to be strong but dear Lord it's so hard.
     But leave it to my Joshua who is just coming out of anesthesia.  His eyes flitter open a tiny bit and he whispers "Happy birthday" to me.  He, who is facing the battle of his life, remembers to wish his mom a happy birthday!  I stuff back tears and say, "only you sweetheart, keep thinking about others before yourself" and then you ask if anyone has talked to the kids.  Again, your unselfish nature, undiluted by anesthetic, comes through.  This is my Joshua, my beloved son, my precious son, where if goodness and loving kindness would only guarantee health, it would be so.
     As I'm standing by his bed, holding his hand, I'm praying, "Lord, please heal him and let him be with us a long, long time...It's been such a short time, please Lord this is so hard."  Then I open my eyes and look at all the old faces in the beds surrounding Josh's.  My heart breaks seeing my son's young face with his beautiful bald head and face with no eyebrows.  Then a little guy, maybe 7 or 8, is being wheeled in with his beautiful bald head, with his parents in tow and my prayer changes to tearful praise.  Thank you, Father.  Thank you for the years we've had.  I beg there will be more, but thank you!  I praise you for the gift of my boys - my three wonderful boys!