September 26, 2014


The following is not FACTUALLY accurate. Details have been changed, things deleted, stuff made up, all to protect identity. But it is 100% absolutely true.

     ".....well, we can't all be rich doctors," the patient said smugly.
     Timeout.  I've had it with patients thinking that I'm doing this for the money.  They have no idea the hell I've been through, and continue to go through to do this.  It's time for some patient education.
     "This is not my first career.  I was the primary breadwinner with a respectable salary and a comfortable lifestyle.  I quit and chose to do this because it was my calling."
      "Ah, that's what all the doctor's say until they're driving fancy cars,"  the patient still a skeptic.
      "Let me put into numbers, because I've done the math.  I've given up XXX of a million dollars when I add up lost salary and student loans, never mind the personal sacrifices.  If I'm doing this for the money, I need to rethink my math.  Do you still think I'm doing this for the money?  Or, perhaps is it because it really is my calling?" I respond firmly.
     The patient is caught off guard and to their credit says, "a doctor who actually cares?  They still exist?"
     "Yes, in fact, we do still exist."

September 19, 2014


The following is not FACTUALLY accurate. Details have been changed, things deleted, stuff made up, all to protect identity. But it is 100% absolutely true.

     "What is your religious background?" the patient catches me off guard.
     I try to make as banal a reply as I can think of and respond with, "Presbyterian."
     Said with the zeal of southern Baptist, the patient replies, "Well, just as in your religion you are encouraged to proselytize, I am going to do the same.  Do you eat meat?  Because if you do, now you know that it is a sin and that when you stand in front of your maker, all the blood of those animals will be on your head."
     "Soooooo, obviously you're a vegetarian for moral reasons?" I ask redundantly and stupidly.  I'm trying to recover from this question that came out of left field.  Hell, it didn't come from left field.  It didn't even come from the ballpark. 
     "I'll have to keep that in mind.  Thank you........Now can you please tell me a bit more about your back pain?"

September 12, 2014

book of job part II

     Read any western religious text or ask any lay pastor about suffering and inevitably, the answer will be found in Job.  The traditional way Job is read is that in the first two chapters, Satan claims Job praises God only because of his vast riches.  God refutes him and says, do what you will, but you cannot kill him.  So Satan has his way with him and Job loses pretty much everything and anything.  In the last book, Job is rewarded for standing up to the test and is given back his riches.  He's also given a new family (the old one must've worn thin).  So the moral of the story, God still rewards those who are suffering.  It also answers the why.  It's Satan.

     There is a historical problem with this, never mind experiential one.  A chaplain (let's call him Dr. H for simplicity) from whom I have been obtaining informal counseling, pointed out the flaw.  The ENTIRE book of Job is poetry.  Except the first two chapters and the last chapter.  Those are prose.  Now I don't pretend to be the best writer in the world but I do understand writing style.  Hemmingway does not go from short, terse prose to long, complex sentences.  It just wouldn't do.  More likely is that the poetry of Job existed for quite sometime before someone decided, "hmmm, this story isn't very nice.  We need to tidy up the loose strings."  Enter the three prose chapters.  In doing so, it completely ruins the point of the poetic Job.  It smacks of "smile, Jesus loves me" theology.

     Dr. H. reinterpreted the Book of Job in a way that opened my eyes to the true hideous beauty of the book.  Job is the human experiential answer to Deuteronomy.  I don't want to delve into too much religious history, but Deuteronomy can be summed up in one word - LAW.  Do this, and thus shall happen.  The take home message is one of karma.  Follow God, get rewarded with riches.  Disobey, and your riches get taken away.  But law and history do not rhyme.  The law is the way we WISH things would work.  Job is the experiential answer to the existential question - why is there such suffering on this world?

     Job is debating his three friends, who happen to be self righteous assholes, about why he is suffering.  The friends look for tidy, short answers (smile, Yahweh rewards the righteous with gold).  Job answers with poetic pain worthy of The Bard himself.

Does not man have hard service on earth?
   Are not his days like those of a hired man?
Like a slave longing for the evening shadows,
   or a hired main waiting eagerly for his wages,
so I have been allotted months of futility
   and nights of misery have been assigned to me.
When I lie down I think, 'how long before I get up?'
   The night drags on, and I toss till dawn.
My body is clothed with worms and scabs,
   my skin is broken and festering.
My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle,
   and they come to an end without hope.
Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath;
   my eyes will never see happiness again.
the eye that now sees me will see no longer;
   you will look for me, but I will be no more.
As a cloud vanishes and is gone,
   so he who goes down to the grave does not return.
He will never come to his house again;
   his place will know him no more.

     And how does God answer Job?  By extolling the wildness, complexity and beauty of the universe.  He gives Not.  One.  Single.  Word.  About.  SUFFERING.  In fact, God evades the question entirely.  Either there is no answer as to why Job suffers, or it is so far beyond his comprehension, that it is not even worth bringing up.  Both lead to the same conclusion for me.  There is no why.  Why?  Because life and history teaches us that suffering simply is.  It was true for Job roughly 3,000 years ago and it is no different today.

September 5, 2014

book of job part I

When faced with loss or tragedy, well intentioned but misguided people remind me of the Book of Job.  Initially, this was my reaction.  Even when my dad was a lay pastor, he would not preach upon the Book of Job because it was such a thorny issue.  Leave it to South Park to sum it up so succinctly.