January 5, 2010

thus it begins anew

The auditorium begins to fill in with students, most inquiring each other about how their respective Christmas breaks went. As usual, I take my seat in the back. As the lecturer starts to quiet everyone down, I notice in front of me that one student has their online syllabus already highlighted and annotated. Another has their printed syllabus with notes, as well. I just got my syllabus last night and hadn't even glanced at it. Nervousness begins to set in. I'm not prepared.I just got lucky last semester.These classes are different.Harder.....Am I capable? I thought I felt as nervous as I did the very first day of school. Fast forward to the end of a long day - it was dark when I left home and it was dark when I got home. As we filed out of an even longer lab session, I overheard one student remark, "that was....a bit rough for a first day." Indeed. My nerves had settled and reflection set in. While apprehensive, as I thought back to that first day, that first week, reality set in. I wasn't anywhere near as nervous then. I was an absolute wreck then. I lost about 10 pounds that week because I could hardly eat. Today, that anxiety lasted less than a day. By the end, I felt comforted that everyone else was just as lost as I was, well not everyone but most everyone. That growing confidence began to reassure me, you did it before and you'll do it again. Period. Backing out, failing, or hell, even mediocrity isn't an option anymore. I really am in this for the long haul.

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