June 16, 2011

the problem with anger

     What would you do if you awoke angry for no immediate reason?  Probably pass it off to 'waking up on the wrong side of bed.'  What about 2 days?  What about 3 or 4 days?  What about every single day?  An anger that stains and warps everything it touches.  An anger that is ever present.  The rising of the sun is not a joy to behold to as it once was.  It's an irritation to me.  What am I supposed to do with that?  Every day requires a force of will to get out of bed.  I go through the motions.  I go downstairs and make my tea.  Last week, I'd sit outside and force myself to greet the sun while drinking my tea, hoping that the combination of sun and caffeine would improve my sour mood.  This week, I drink my tea and then greet the sun by doing sun salutations, hoping that the dripping sweat and even breathing will expunge the anger.  It hasn't helped but I go through the motions.  I then head to workout and punish my body.  On the surface, I tell myself that I'm doing it to get into shape in order to go on our annual backpacking trip with my son (and hopefully my nephew this time).  That's true on the surface and certainly an added benefit.  But below the surface it's really about keeping my anger from consuming and destroying me.  Without that physical exhaustion, I fear I'd have far, far too many holes in my walls put there by my fists.  That and two broken hands.  So I go through the motions hoping that something will eventually grow that's worthwhile.  Meanwhile, I'm left dancing with this anger.

No comments: