It's more than a bit ironic that when I would most need to be a good student, oh, say med school for example, would be when I somehow decide to be a pitiful student. Last year, I was a decent student. Not great, but not horrible either. I got honors, high pass for the most part. This year? It disturbs me how little I studied this semester. No honors but I still passed. With this approach, I will still get to be a doctor. It's a bit disconcerting, to be honest. I can use the explanation that I've had a lot going on emotionally and certainly that's part of it but if I'm honest with myself, I admit it's not it.
I can't really understand it myself. In hindsight, though, I can decide what to do with it. Strapping on my psychiatrist persona, I think two things are going on. I did this once before. When I was an undergrad, I was a slacker during all the intro classes. To put it simply, the classes bored me. I didn't care and nothing anybody did or said could make me care. My senior year when I was into the supposedly hard upper-level classes, I made straight A's. I was friends with the professors. I was even a teaching assistant because I found the stuff so cool. I think the same thing is happening here. When I relayed this to a friend and former colleague, in a sarcastic and dry, truthful manner told me, "you've got a bbaaddd attitude. You need to hurry up and get into the clinic." I think he's right. This crap bores me to tears. With every test, I feel like I vomit up a part of my soul and say, "see? I proved I could memorize your crap yet again. Can I please move on to the interesting stuff now?"
My subconscious, though, I think is also at work. It's having me deliberately acting a slackass to prove a point. It's telling me, "you can do this." That may sound trivial, but to me, it's a very big deal. I had (and to some extent still have) reservations about if I'm capable of doing this. Down the road in my residency when all sanity has abandoned me and I have to study for my board specialization test, I hope I look back on this moment and tell myself this, "You studied for a total of five, count'em five measly hours for your comprehensive developmental final. You studied a semester's worth of material for a whole 4 hours the night before and 1 hour the morning of. You passed the class. Imagine the possibilities when you actually apply yourself."
Now, I should probably go study for my gross final. But I only need to get a whopping 23 to pass the class. You can see my dilemma...