December 15, 2010

never before has so much been studied so little

It's more than a bit ironic that when I would most need to be a good student, oh, say med school for example, would be when I somehow decide to be a pitiful student.  Last year, I was a decent student.  Not great, but not horrible either.  I got honors, high pass for the most part.  This year?  It disturbs me how little I studied this semester.  No honors but I still passed.  With this approach, I will still get to be a doctor.  It's a bit disconcerting, to be honest.  I can use the explanation that I've had a lot going on emotionally and certainly that's part of it but if I'm honest with myself, I admit it's not it.

I can't really understand it myself.  In hindsight, though, I can decide what to do with it.  Strapping on my psychiatrist persona, I think two things are going on.  I did this once before.  When I was an undergrad, I was a slacker during all the intro classes.  To put it simply, the classes bored me.  I didn't care and nothing anybody did or said could make me care.  My senior year when I was into the supposedly hard upper-level classes, I made straight A's.  I was friends with the professors.  I was even a teaching assistant because I found the stuff so cool.  I think the same thing is happening here.  When I relayed this to a friend and former colleague, in a sarcastic and dry, truthful manner told me, "you've got a bbaaddd attitude.  You need to hurry up and get into the clinic."  I think he's right.  This crap bores me to tears.  With every test, I feel like I vomit up a part of my soul and say, "see?  I proved I could memorize your crap yet again.  Can I please move on to the interesting stuff now?"

My subconscious, though, I think is also at work.  It's having me deliberately acting a slackass to prove a point.  It's telling me, "you can do this."  That may sound trivial, but to me, it's a very big deal.  I had (and to some extent still have) reservations about if I'm capable of doing this.  Down the road in my residency when all sanity has abandoned me and I have to study for my board specialization test, I hope I look back on this moment and tell myself this,  "You studied for a total of five, count'em five measly hours for your comprehensive developmental final.  You studied a semester's worth of material for a whole 4 hours the night before and 1 hour the morning of.  You passed the class.  Imagine the possibilities when you actually apply yourself."

Now, I should probably go study for my gross final.  But I only need to get a whopping 23 to pass the class.  You can see my dilemma...

No comments: