October 7, 2011

ruminations & anxieties

     Even though he lives just a few miles away, I've hardly seen my dad lately.  Exams and the lead up to them have been brutal and I've had to compartmentalize.  I still try to call him at least every two or three days but even that has become more difficult.  I typically would call when I'm making that hour long drive to-and-from the med center.  But even that time is now packed with listening to lectures in the car.  Besides, it's hard to gauge over the phone how he's doing with the waiting.  First, the manic rush to stem cell followed by the brick wall of a poor collection.  And now playing the waiting game. 
      So I honestly do not know how he's doing.  But I have a decent imagination.  He hates inactivity and waiting.  I'm sure his mind is running through endless scenarios of "what it, what if, what it?"  I know mine has.  And my mine isn't content to just ask the question.  It has to answer them.  In the back of mind where I still have a bit of reserve brain power, I've begun to wonder, 'what about that new clinical trial with genetically engineering the patient's own T-cells?'  Before, it was a moot point since we had a perfect donor match.  It wasn't necessary.  Hopefully, that still holds true.  But now?  I don't put much stock in hope.  I tend to put my stock in Plan B, just in case.

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