August 9, 2011


     Well, I'm back.  I took a break and went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately.  Notice that I/Thoreau didn't say 'happily' or 'cheerfully'.  Deliberately.  There's a difference.  To take life (and death) and "reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world."  I took my son, as usual, for our annual summer trip to the backcountry mountains of Colorado.  But this time I also took my nephew.  I was not expecting a light and easy trip.  He just lost his dad.  I just lost my brother.  How could it be anything but reducing life to the genuine meanness of it?  What did I bring back from it?  I'm not sure.  Honestly, it's still day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute for me.  Of what I'm not sure could fill an ocean at this point.  The anger is gone but an aimless malaise has set in its place. 
     Beyond that, I'm now ready to put up the video from my brother's memorial service.  His wife and son put it together.  Tragically beautiful.  At the memorial, I wasn't able to see much of it because I was sobbing uncontrollably.  At least now, I can pause it to recover.  I don't know that I'll ever be able to get through it without breaking down.  And to be honest, I don't think that I want to be able to get through this without breaking down.  The day that happens is the day my heart hardens just a wee bit too much for my comfort.  Damn, I miss my brother.


lala00 said...

Thanks for sharing. I can't imagine what a gaping hole is left in so many lives with him gone.

Anonymous said...

Isaac, choir director here. I've been thinking about you and your family a lot lately and saw your dad at our church Sunday. Know that the prayers for you and yours are still said every day and that we all miss Josh so much. Good luck this year in school. You are a blessing to your family and will be a special blessing to your patients!!! Jill Shafer