April 25, 2011

terrain of the soul - part I

I spent three days and two nights down with my brother in his hotel while he finished up his radiation therapy last week.  I'd like to say that we had some good talks but I will not use the word 'good'.  Nobody in their right mind would use an adjective such as that to describe the topics of our verbal wrestling.  Meaningful.  Heartfelt.  Soulful.  And unfortunately, Necessary.  I think those come closer to the truth, at least from the lenses of my eyes.  We spoke at length of the concept of burden which I wrote about earlier.  In my desire to assure him that he was not a burden to me, I probably missed what he felt.  So I apologize to him and I thought long and hard about what he said.  As I feel and taste it, burden may not be a big enough word to encompass it all.  (These are just my reflections of what I see.  They are not my brother's words).  Is there a sense of loss from the disappearance of freedom?  Perhaps feelings of weakness at being dependent on others?  Maybe sadness at not being able to fully participate in life?  Elements of sacrifice at difficult choices made?  For me, it's a labor of love but perhaps burden is not such a poor choice of words to describe what he feels.

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