My wife and I are driving home from a quick whirlwind trip on my day off. At the beginning of the day, I knew something was off and I was starting to sit funny. I thought that if I could get home and get on some antibiotics, I'd be good. Oh, how naïve that thought would be in retrospect. I had started to develop a furuncle in, shall we say a rather delicate area as a result of the gastroenteritis. By the evening on the way home, I was writhing in pain. My wife suggested, "maybe we just keep driving right down to the med center."
Being the idiot that I am, I wanted to know what I was dealing with. But I couldn't exactly see it so I asked her to pull over at a McDonald's. Like a cowboy who has been on the trail for 6 months, I limp bowlegged to the bathroom, lock the door, and with the help of modern technology, took a selfie that I will not post out of decorum. Holy shit. This was no furuncle. This was an abscess. And a significantly large and angry one at that. Calm down. Deep breath. I need to examine it to see how bad it is. So again with the help of my iPhone high definition live camera feed, I used it as a mirror to guide my exam. I began to palpate to see how much fluid was in there and how indurated it was. I didn't even have time to let loose a string of expletives because I about passed out from the pain the instant my fingers put pressure on the abscess. That would've made for an interesting viral video and a very confused McDonald's employee who found me. I stood back up to catch my breath, try to avoid passing out, and got dressed after about 5 minutes. I hobbled slowly back outside and told my wife, "Yeah, you're right. Just go straight down to the ER."