confusion

     As the temperature in my garage flirted with triple digits, I was sufficiently sweating even without lifting weights.  Not that I'm good at lifting weights, especially with my extra vertebraed spine.  But the daily anger gets burned off, at least a good part that allows me to get through yet one more day.  I was in between sets standing still and catching my breath as the sweat dribbled steadily off my nose as my head hung low.  My head does that a lot of late, hang low.  The music was blaring out a song that once meant nothing to me.  But after my brother died, parts of it touched raw spots in my heart.  But now with my son, it takes on an even different meaning.

Gone Away by Dexter Holland

Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair

And it feels like
Heaven is so far away
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and Hail Marys
Can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I would

And it feels like
Heaven is so far away
Yeah it stings now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away

Gone away
Gone away

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
Oh, please let me trade
I would

And it feels like
Heaven is so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away

     "Oh, please let me trade, I would." I crumpled to the ground with the saltiness of sweat mixing with tears from deep soul wrenching sobs.  My brother "pulled away before your time".  Wanting to trade places with my son.  "I can't deal it's so unfair."
     I now longer know for whom I'm wailing anymore.  And does it even matter?  The pain over the last few years is all so intertwined now that to try to unravel it would be to unravel myself and find nothing left.  There is no understanding the pain, only feeling it, and more importantly, making friends with it.  So I stood up, took a deep breath, and performed my next set of squats with tears still mixing with sweat, as the physical pain traded places with the emotional pain.