The Kubler-Ross model of grief seems to imply some linearity to it. I am not feeling that. It's cyclical to me. Endlessly so. So it was with some comfort that I came across this passage from Facing Death and Finding Hope:
Within a few weeks, the "full awareness" of my loss cycled around again, and the heart-wrenching pain and despair were just as intense as they had been the previous month. I was shocked. Why had the pain returned, as fresh and deep as before?For two years, she went through this repeating cycle of grief - shock and disbelief, full awareness of the loss, and recovery - over the loss of her husband to cancer. As she describes it, each trough was just as painful and just as raw as in the beginning. Stages don't even begin to describe what I'm experiencing. It's a chaotic labyrinth with no beginning and no end. More of an endless knot, really. A relatively recent study empirically tracked the emotions following a loss. In this study, anger peaked at ~5.5 months followed by depression peaking at 6 months post loss. And the downward slope after the peak wasn't exactly steep. You mean this shit gets worse?
"All right," I bargained, "maybe I didn't full experience and express all my grief, so this time I will, and then it will be finished."...A month later, the intense life-disrupting pain returned, along with my "full awareness" of the death. The following month, again. And the next month, again, with the same depth of intensity as the very first time.